paladorable | acatalepsy ☀ inbox

[Connor hates this feeling, knowing what it is. Knowing that it doesn’t belong in him, that an android shouldn’t experience it, but he’s felt it before — emotion, the kind Hank shared with him. The kind the deviant on the rooftop forced into his processing. The kind that even he registers time and again, without any outside influence, like right now, and right now he feels twisted up and frustrated and lost—

He’ll return to Detroit when this mission is over, once they’ve felled some unyielding dark, and CyberLife will know everything that’s wrong with him. Amanda will see it, will frown at him, tsk and tell him that she’s disappointed. And then each piece will be removed by a careful engineer’s hand, and they’ll turn every part of him over and over and ask themselves where they went wrong. Where’s the design flaw? Where’s the imperfection? Why couldn’t the machine just do as it was told and not question its directives? Start over from scratch, we’ll try again.

Start over.

Connor doesn’t reply, only presses his crossed arms closer against his body, defiantly looking back out over the water. As if trying to hold himself together, keep himself whole, the very thought of it making him feel like parts of him have gone hollow already.

And then, finally, quietly—]

Are you calling me a deviant, too?

[ The hot ember of anger that’s been burning in Arenvald’s chest goes out almost instantly, extinguished by the frost that creeps over the inside of his ribcage at that quiet accusation, the way that Connor seems to close in on himself.

“Deviant”, he decides, is a dirty word, and he doesn’t like it. A phrase coined to make it sound like being true to oneself, to fully embrace who and what you are, something worthy of punishment. That’s not something he wants to enforce, but he can’t help but feel like he’s royally screwed up here, by putting the idea in Connor’s head in the first place.

His reply comes, just as quiet, ]

I’m calling you Connor. My friend. Someone I… someone I care about. No more and no less.

You’re already your own person, I just wish I knew how to make you see that person like I do – you’re not defective. Not useless. You’re… you’re wonderful.

[The ice that runs through blue blood seems to still, the world jolting to a stop when Arenvald doesn't apply the word deviant to his person. Instead just calls him… Connor. Says that he’s wonderful.

No one’s ever said that to him. No words have ever been so weighted with concern, with sincerity, with something else he can’t quite quantify, directed at himself. To describe the whole of what he is, other than just android or RK800, but an individual, a person.

(Connor thinks of the overlarge screens at Stratford, the recording of Markus declaring the need for android freedoms. To be seen as people, not as objects, to be realized as alive. What Arenvald is saying now, is that how that RK200 viewed the world? Finding worth in androids who were only supposed to be disposable at best? The concept is staring him in the face for a second time, but now the words come from a friend, not a target. It’s more affecting this way, far more personal.

Something shifts. Destabilizes. He partitions it away, to linger with the rest.)]

You think I’m wonderful?

[It’s all he can say. He glances at his friend, arms still pressed to his body. As if a winter storm was blowing through, despite the sun hanging in the sky —vulnerability, uncertainty. What he wants to hear, and what he doesn’t, all the same.]

Edited 2018-09-28 15:11 (UTC)

[ For another moment, Arenvald thinks he’s said the wrong thing. Connor doesn’t move, and it can be damn near impossible to guess at what he’s thinking sometimes. They’ve no room to part ways, out here on the water as they are, but were Connor to give him the cold shoulder until they make it back to shore, it would be just as bad as him walking away.

By some miracle, his fears seem unfounded, at least for the moment, and Arenvald’s expression softens, something fond in his gaze. ]

Of course I think you’re wonderful. You’re easy to talk to, you make me laugh. You’re there for me when I need it, even if I didn’t know I did at the time. I’d trust you – have trusted you – with anything, even the parts of my life that are ugly and difficult to talk about. I’m… glad to have you in my life.

[What to say to that? His social applications are useless here, so much of him is wound up in knots. Nothing comes up, and he finds himself struggling to reply.]

I… [And yet, what slips out is what he would’ve said regardless of his thoughts on deviancy as applied to himself. For some reason, this seems to be the only right reply.] …Thank you. I’ll always be glad to provide some aid or comfort to you. I want to, so—

[So much for negotiation subroutines. This should be easier.]

No matter what I believe, versus what you’re telling me, I don’t wish for you to think I don’t… appreciate what you’re trying to do. You’re a good man, Arenvald. A good friend.

[Arenvald, shouting into the void, trying to change what’s there. Connor’s almost sorry for the wasted effort.]

[ If one were to ask Arenvald, he wouldn’t call the effort wasted in the least, but he is of the mind that he’s pushed enough for now. Mayhap he needs to take his own advice to heart – don’t force the issue. Just be there.

Mayhap it will take a while for Connor to come around, a long while, even, but Arenvald knows that he has it in him to grow and change and eventually, to embrace who he is. He can wait, because some things… well, they’re worth waiting for. ]

Thanks, and… ah, I’m sorry, for whatever it’s worth. The Echo shows me what it wants. I’d have never nosed my way into your past if I could help it.

[Something in him seems to unwind, slowly. Barely noticeable. But Connor drops his arms to his side, and turns to look at Arenvald directly.]

I know. I don’t blame you for it; I’m not upset. Though… [A beat.] I’d just ask that you—

[Whatever he was going to say, it’s cut off. The lily pad suddenly, without any rhyme or reason, tips over at a harsh angle, making it impossible for either of them to keep balance.

Connor immediately tenses, tossing out an attempt to scan just what the hell is going on, but it’s too late.

Into the water you go, boys.]

[ What he assumes this is going to be is a request to keep the things he saw to himself, which is perfectly reasonable. Arenvald had already planned on doing that, but Connor is interrupted mid-sentence. They both are, as the lily pad pitches suddenly, dumping them both gracelessly into the lake.

Arenvald’s startled yelp is cut off by a deluge of lake water, and as he goes under, he swears he catches a glimpse of retreating fins, diving deeper and away.

A mermaid. That gods be damned little…

Thankfully, Arenvald is a strong swimmer, kicking to the surface with relative ease, spitting out water and sucking in a breath as he casts around for Connor. ]

[Water explodes all around him as he falls in, then becomes a dull roar in his audio processing. He notes the bubbles rising to the surface, catches the sight of a mermaid's tail flitting in his periphery. Her voice is like music, a bell pealing through the water, lyrical and laughing -- Machine! Machine! it sounds like she's saying, before her form disappears altogether, and Connor is left alone, with his friend rising nearby.

He can swim, at least; he's not an android so heavy that he'll immediately sink, designed instead to reflect the weight of a normal human male his size, if only slightly heavier. He kicks and pushes against the water, and a moment later, he appears next to his friend.

Connor doesn't gasp for breath, but he does spend a moment spitting out lake water.]

Are you all right?!

[ Arenvald is soaked, his hair plastered to his forehead, but is otherwise unharmed. ]

Aye, everything's still attached. What about you?

Still...

[The lily pad floats by, along with the branch. Connor makes a grab for the former, reaching out with an arm and slinging water gracelessly as he does it.]

...functioning! Grab hold of the branch if you can reach it!

[ He's oddly okay with this little tumble into the water. Though he and Connor seemed to reach some sort of understanding, the sudden up-ending of their raft seems to have taken the lingering tension out of him.

He swims after the branch, which thankfully has not gotten terribly far away from the lily pad. Clasping it in one hand, he does a one-armed paddle back towards Connor. ]

So much for not getting your outfit wet.

[Seeing that Arenvald has taken care of the branch, Connor keeps hold of the lily pad and attempts to heft himself up on it. It's not a particularly elegant display, and for a minute it looks precarious judging by the way the plants wants to tilt with the weight... but with a stubborn effort, Connor manages to slip himself back up on their makeshift raft.

He's very drenched. Clothes sticking to his form, hair a mess. Water dripping from his chin as he leans forward and stretches out an arm to help Arenvald.]

Seems to be the growing trend. Here, let me help you.

[The tension sure has drained, as if dissolving the moment they hit the water.]

[ Whatever it is that Arenvald's war paint is made out of, it's at least somewhat waterproof. It stays in place instead of streaking off with the rivulets of water that run down his face.

The branch he slides onto the surface of the lily pad, leaving him free to take Connor's arm to haul himself back up. It's still somewhat tricky, the lily pad wobbling in the water, but at last he makes it. He, too, is soaked to the bone, his white t-shirt gone almost sheer as it sticks to his skin. He laughs as he plops back down to a sit, splaying with his legs in front of him, his hands supporting him as he leans back. ]

Thanks. I say we count ourselves lucky we didn't get dragged under for our troubles.

[Connor grasps for the branch so it doesn’t roll off in the undulating pitch of the lily pad as they right themselves. Knowing that his friend is now situated properly next to him, he almost scoffs.]

We hardly did anything worthy of being tipped into the water at all. The mermaids seem to require very little provocation.

[Connor runs a hand through messy hair to move wayward strands away, which of course just makes it end up looking worse, sticking out at strange angles. Beneath his own jacket, he wears a white shirt, gone as sheer as Arenvald’s.

A glance at his friend and he realizes the state of the man's clothes. Revealing. His eyes linger just for a second, but given that it’s not… anything he hasn’t seen before, and in more embarrassing circumstances, Connor doesn’t make a comment.]

I’m starting to wish I owned more than one uniform.

[ This is not the first time Arenvald has seen Connor looking so disheveled, but now it's as if he's looking at him under a completely different lens. He cannot help the way he stares, just for a moment, at how his drenched clothes cling, the hints of what's underneath that jacket given at just the right angles.

Ironically, he is perhaps too distracted to notice Connor's eyes lingering on him, in return. Only when Connor speaks again does he snap back to reality, eyes sliding away to some nebulous spot on the lily pad. ]

Ah... Whenever we next leave the temple, we can see about some new clothes for you, I'm sure.

But, once we get to shore, I can dry those off for you, if you want.

[Connor notes the lingering glance, enough to where it’s registered as interesting, but easily explained away as Arenvald never seeing him in such a state. Connor often makes the effort to not appear as anything more than perfectly put-together.]

That’s not necessary, though I appreciate the offer.

[He attempts to stand, dipping the branch into the water.]

It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve had to dry my clothes, after all.

[ Arenvald stays where he is, finally trusting himself to look back at Connor once he moves away to resume ferrying them around. ]

Just keep it in mind. It’s good practice for my abilities, and I can usually manage it pretty quickly.

[ Arenvald Lentinus, human clothes dryer. ]

[A little jokingly:]

I imagine you have better things to do than stand directly next to me while my clothes dry.

Besides, I’ll need a mirror for my hair.

[Yep, ever wanting to appear perfect.]

Well. I don’t have anything better to do today.

[ A joke! He grins up at Connor. ]

You mean it just doesn’t style itself?

Usually, no. I need to tend to it like regular hair.

[“Usually” because sometimes it just falls into place if he transitions from his true android form into his more human-looking version. Don’t ask because his canon is stupid.]

You can always comb it for me, though, if you’re inclined to be so helpful, Arenvald.

You’ve seen how I do my own hair, which is to say that I don’t.

[ He waves a hand at the mess of bangs hanging low over his brows. ]

I’m not so sure you want me to take you up on that offer.

I see. With a recommendation like that, then I suppose not.

[The air is lighter than before, the tension obviously drained away if Connor is making ever-so-subtle teases. He lets that settle, and diverts them close to shore.

Still, there’s only so long one can go without the shadow of the conversation hanging over their heads. And while there is a sense of moving on, of what needed to be said having been said, there’s still one last request — what he was going to say before the mermaids knocked them in.]

By the way, I was... interrupted before. I just wanted to ask that you keep our conversation just now private. Please.

[ Of course that unfinished statement would have to be brought up again – there’s no way it wouldn’t be. Arenvald almost regrets the return to their earlier conversation, even necessary as it is.

While the mood doesn’t settle as heavily as before, Arenvald definitely sobers a bit. ]

Of course. It’s not my place to share that sort of thing, anyroad. Only you can do that, and only if you want to.

[He nods. And blessedly, perhaps because Connor doesn’t want to linger on the implications of their conversation for much longer, he doesn’t delve deeper into it than that.]

Thank you. You’re a good friend and a good man.

(no subject)

paladorable - 2018-10-04 17:33 (UTC) - Expand